A Journal Entry

I realize that the majority of what I’m about to write will not sound “biblical”. I understand that many of the feelings I am feeling aren’t “kingdom” feelings. I am aware that much of what I’m about to share with you is based in lies, not my true identity. But I also know that God is far less interested in the “right answer” and far more interested in hearing from my own lips how I think I am doing.

I feel like I’ve been demoted. Two years ago I felt like I was burning with the fire of the Holy Spirit! I could sit alone with the Lord and be filled with his strength and peace and joy, and I could feel his presence sustaining me throughout the day. Quiet time was a necessity. His voice was loud and clear and affirming. He was building me and growing me and my faith was firmly planted in the truth of his word. My relationship with Jesus was as intimate as ever. I felt loved. I felt known. I felt like I had a very real, very near purpose.

God, hear me when I say I will never leave you. I will never turn away from you. You are and always will be my God.

I feel like I was your best friend, and now I’m just a forgotten name in your mind. Just on the tip of your tongue. Any spiritual gifts I felt that I had now just feel like empty boxes to unwrap on my birthday. It’s been awhile since I’ve really felt your presence. It’s been a long time since I’ve heard you speak to me. I’m reading these daily devotionals and scriptures and listening to worship music just dying for a word from you. Dying for a feeling from you. Give me something! I feel like a “baby” Christian. As if our relationship just started yesterday. I feel like a grown man forced to go back onto a diet of milk, as if I were a baby. But I got used to all that nice, tender, juicy steak!

What happened to those sweet moments when we would sit together and watch the sunrise? Your word pierced my heart and your love stung my eyes. It was bliss. Even the hard moments were opportunities to draw close to you, and they were all the sweeter for it. This is a hard moment, and I’m asking you, please Lord, draw near to me. Your strength is perfect in my weakness, right? You are close to the brokenhearted, right? Those who look to you are radiant, and their faces are never covered with shame. Well here I am, God. I’ve felt weak for a year and half. I’ve felt alone. I’ve felt dry and wasted. I’ve felt neglected. I’ve felt bitter. I’ve felt raw, desperate, ashamed, and brokenhearted. Why don’t I feel your strength? I’ve forgotten what it feels like to be comforted by your presence.

I am hungry, borderline starving. I never want to pretend that things are fine when they aren’t, and I’ve spent a long time making excuses for why I’m going through this season, but the truth is I have no idea what you are doing in my life at the moment. I don’t know why you are bringing me through this wilderness. I don’t know where the promised land is or how to get there.

So here is the thing. I have been humbled. I remember saying once that if the Lord wants to teach you humility, you are going to be humbled, one way or the other. You can either submit yourself to his will and rush to the lowest place, or you can hang onto pride and resist his will and you will hit rock bottom soon enough. The end result is the same, but the path to get there can differ quite a bit.

God, you are my King and you make my life worth living. I don’t have any answers. So, I want to apologize for hanging onto my pride. How about I let go of that and grab your hand instead.


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