Anxiety & Sneaky Pride

This week I want to share with you something I have learned about myself in the weeks since my last post, and the beautiful way the Holy Spirit met me with conviction and grace. In times of need, I have found that the testimony of someone in the midst of Jesus’ faithfulness is more life-giving than any worship song and more revelatory than any book by my favorite author (scripture excluded). My hope is that this will bless, exhort, edify, or inspire you to dive deeper into your relationship with Jesus by way of Holy Spirit.

That being said, I want to be vulnerable with you, I have been struggling with pride. Not the macro pride that presents itself in an exaggerated opinion of one’s self, whether it be a business man who uses his Rolex to communicate his yearly earnings or the coffee snob who asks you what you’re drinking only to exhaust you with a sermon on single origin beans and their exquisite palate. No, I’m referring to the insidious micro-expressions of pride, the sneaky pride that creeps unnoticed beneath the surface. Lurking in those moments, dozens every day, when adversity is attributed to some worldly cause and met with solutions fished out of the well of human reason and understanding.

I have been facing, what seems to me, an unusual amount of adversity lately, which has been accompanied by an unusual amount of anxiety (something I used to never deal with). After attempting to fight anxiety with breathing exercises and mantras, I realized that this knot in my stomach was indicative of something more spiritual than physical. I had pinned down anxiety as the issue that needed fixing. I asked Jesus, time and time again, to release me from anxiety, to no avail. I read in scripture since I was a boy, “be anxious about nothing” and “let tomorrow worry about itself”, but it was not until I allowed Jesus to speak to the heart of my anxiety that I felt any reprieve. He revealed to me that my anxiety was merely a symptom of my pride. A symptom of my inability to release the uncertainties of life into His hands. My anxiety was not a chemical imbalance that could be tempered by essential oils and a morning routine. My anxiety was the manifestation of my pride.

I always read the story of Adam and Eve and was astonished at the lack of faith in God and his integrity that was displayed as they fell victim to the enemy’s trap. Holy Spirit has opened my eyes to the truth that every time I seek to improve my circumstances aside from Jesus, I am professing my doubt in His promises and trivializing His purpose for my life. Fortunately, Holy Spirit never lays us bare and convicts us without offering a remedy. The remedy He offers for pride (ergo anxiety) is a consistent return to the reality of the cross. To the way we were saved. Confessing your faith in the cross of Christ is an admission of your inability to save yourself. This is what I wanted so desperately to share with you this week. Pride dies at the foot of the cross. Anxiety flees at the sound of His name. Jesus.

Thanks for letting me share my heart, I love all you ragged souls.

-Matty

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