I have been in a season of learning about myself, really learning. Having my eyes opened to the gnarly and the nasty, the broken and the damaged parts of my heart and soul. It has not been pleasant, and although I know that learning with Jesus at my side will bring healing, it is pushing me into uncomfortable and uncharted waters, where navigation requires leaving reason at the door. When I am worn out and tired of processing emotion and revelation I feel my ways of old creeping in. I feel my mind churning and attempting to understand the work being done in my heart. In my attempts to understand the work being done in me, I risk attributing the shifts in my behavior to myself, not to their true source. I risk finding comfort in my own intelligence and reason alone.
I have always been a lover of complex systems and understanding the HOW. I love working in the coffee industry because there is much to be learned about how good coffee is made: grind size, coffee to water ratio, water temperature, brew method, regional coffee characteristics, etc. I feel confident in my coffee craft and in serving good coffee when I understand the process taking place in front of me. I know that I have ground it correctly, used the right amount of coffee, used water at the right temp and extracted all the sweet coffee goodness. I tend to take the same approach when processing life with Jesus, I feel uneasy and stressed out when I cannot understand exactly how He moves in my life. Unfortunately for my mind, (fortunately for my heart) more times than not Jesus’ process in my life takes place beyond comprehension. In the space where tendencies form and emotions take root.
He begins to loose and shift things inside us, speaking sweetly to the deepest parts of who we are. All we can do is sit at his feet and listen, receiving the truth as he administers it like medicine to our healing hearts. Many times, I was unable to accept or receive the work he was doing in me, rejecting His healing because I couldn’t explain what was happening or how it was being accomplished. I was missing a dear opportunity to receive the love of Jesus. Thank God, his pursuit is constant and overwhelming. Everyday I learn, as He opens my eyes to the work He has already accomplished within me, that the healing of my heart is dependent on Jesus alone. No matter how much I might study the Word and seek to understand the depths of His heart, my heart will be changed in the moments when I quiet myself and listen with bated breath as Jesus tells me what I mean to Him.
What He thinks of me.
What He loves about me.
What He enjoys about me as His friend and His beloved.
What He would do to hold me in His arms.
What joy it brings Him to simply enjoy my company.
These are the truths that transform. I will remind myself everyday that every moment I am dearly loved by Jesus is beyond human comprehension. This beautiful life afforded me by Jesus is nothing short of a miraculous, reason-defying gift. There is no point in trying to reconcile my new life with what makes sense, what is fair, or even what is right. I look forward to your journey with Jesus as you let Him lead you in receiving His love and His affections for you.
Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. I keep on speaking your name because it is the only way I know how to respond to what you’ve done. I cannot put my finger on it, but I feel something in me activated when I speak Your name.
I come to you right now, drowning in hope. I am flailing and fighting against Your waves; I was convinced that I needed air to survive, but every cell in this body just needs YOU to survive. Not even air, that is so vital to my human life, should be valued and craved like You and your sweet companionship.
Holy Spirit, help my heart to know that this is true! Help my heart to take heed of what I know in my Spirit when my mind cannot comprehend. Feed me the unadulterated truth and give me the strength to walk without the crutch of human reason and understanding.
Jesus, you are the key to everything! You are all that has been revealed to my heart.