After four or five drafts for this week’s post, I was left unsatisfied. I wasn’t sure exactly what I wanted to share with you, but I knew that I hadn’t found it yet. I found myself doing what I so often do when asked about my life, my walk with the Lord, my process — I romanticize and sugarcoat. I want people to think that I’ve got it figured out. I look around and see my friends, many younger than myself, getting married, moving up in their careers, buying houses, and leading in their churches. I want to be someone that others look at in the same way, I want to be the model of healthy life and healthy love. But the truth is…I’m not. I’m young. I’m immature. I’m learning… more now than I ever have before.

I realize why I was so unsatisfied with my previous attempts at today’s blog post. I was trying to share about my life, without sharing about my life. I was putting a fresh coat of paint on a broken-down house. So today, I am going to be honest and vulnerable with you about my life. I am no longer ashamed that may life doesn’t look like something to write home about. The truth is, life is tough right now! I’m uncomfortable and restless. I’m more aware than ever of all the habits and handicaps I’ve created for myself. I see how my actions hurt people, I care about. I see how much work there is to be done, and it gets the best of me most days. I still make the wrong decisions, even when I know the right ones. I feel shame and remorse at times, and some days I don’t feel like fighting to reclaim who I was made to be. That is how I’m doing. But wait, there is more…

I am more full of hope and expectation than I have ever been. I am learning to treat myself with grace and compassion. I am seeking healing and resisting complacency. I am uncomfortable because I am entering new territory. I am finding that I want to teach people about this Love. I am experiencing emotions that I haven’t felt in years. I am restless because learning to slow down takes practice and intention. I see how much work there is to be done, and I see that I am not alone. I feel the freedom of pursuing what I truly desire. I see glimpses of who I was made to be and my strength is renewed. I am learning my true identity from the mind of the One who created me. That is how I’m doing.

My life is a mess right now, but I’m loving it. I tell you all these things so that I can tell you this one thing. Jesus is worth it. Every second. Every conversation. Every revelation. He is the satisfaction and validation you crave. He is ready when you are.

Just like a tree that’s lost it’s precious leaves,
I ache for the springtime, and for life,
Just like the fields, dry and barren in the cold,
I ache for the melting of this snow.

There’s beauty in a grey sky,
In the trees before the spring light,
There’s beauty in the grooming of the soul.

There’s growth beneath the surface,
In the roots before the flourish,
There’s beauty in the grooming of the soul.

Just like a tree sprouting new its tiny buds,
I awake to hear the whispers of your love,
Just like the fields as their flowers come to play,
I awake under the light of your face.

Thank you for the grey skies,
For the time before the spring light,
this beauty, oh I never would have known.

Thank you for the seasons,
The relent after the freezing,
This love that captivates my very soul.

As the winter wind blows,
We see the timber of our souls,

The spring comes at last,
And all Your promises to pass.

-Matty