This week I want to share with you one of my recent moments with Jesus. It was scary, tough, revealing, and left me feeling EXPOSED. It was also freeing, encouraging, and left me feeling invigorated and confident in the love and protection of Jesus. I have a feeling most of us go through this every so often (if not very often) and my hope is to encourage you to find Jesus in the midst of your mess.

Recently, I have been working very hard to be more aware of and accountable for the things that I’m thinking; toward myself and others. It was a bit of a shock to the system, realizing how often I had a judgmental or at least apathetic thought toward someone right from the jump. No conversation, no discernment, and no wrongdoing, but still a dismissive thought. I was honestly so disheartened as the realization set in..

“Am I a shallow person? Am I an unkind person? Am I….just plain mean?”

These are jarring questions; I always considered myself warm and bright, welcoming and jovial, witty and kind, albeit lacking in communication and thoughtfulness from time to time.

“Do my friends really mean what they say about me? Are people just nice to me because THEY are nice people? Am I enjoyable to be around?”

These thoughts became more and more common throughout my day. Microscopic review of every conversation, reaction, and interaction began to take over. Before long, I was shaping myself to fit every conversation the best I could, hoping for a favorable review. No one was aware of this inner dialogue, not even Jesus as far as I was concerned. It was this lack of concern for Jesus and his thoughts on the matter that had left me lonely and self-absorbed. As is customary, when I feel insecure and alone, I also just so happen to be avoiding bringing my concerns to Jesus.

So I did something wild. I brought my troubles to Jesus. I spilled all of those thoughts I just spoke about to Him and told Him that I felt alone, and that I was scared that I had become the type of person I don’t like to be around. He listened. He listened some more. He let me explain until I tuckered myself out (the patience on this Jesus guy, its really something). Then he said two things… then again… and again.

“Matt, I love you. Is that enough for you?”

“Matt, I love you. Is that enough for you?”

“Matt, I love you. Is that enough for you?”

“Matt, I love you. Is that enough for you?”

“Matt, I love you. Is that enough for you?”

“Matt, I love you. Is that enough—“

“Yes,” I said, “That is enough. You are enough. Am I enough for you?”

Whew… in that moment it became crystal clear that behind all of my questions and insecurities was a deep longing to be loved for me. Just me. Just Matt. Jesus, you are enough for me, but I needed to know that Matt was enough for You. I needed to know that Matt wasn’t defective or faulty. I needed to know that Matt hadn’t strayed too far. You looked me in the eye, and said my name. It changed everything.

So much of what I had attributed to myself as core character flaws was just expressions of immaturity, insecurity, and insincerity. I am not a mean person, I was digesting bitterness. I am not a thoughtless person, I was trying to keep my head above water. I am not a gossip, I was craving affirmation. I am not a failure, I have been without a dream.

I am not a problem, but Jesus is the solution. You are not a problem, but Jesus is the solution.

That is what I want you to hear. One thing. You are not defective. You may be immature, you may be bitter, you may be believing all sorts of lies, but you are not defective. You are not your immaturity. You are not your bitterness. You are not the lies you believe. You are you. You may not know what that looks like, and that’s a scary place to be, but Jesus does. He sees past the lies and immaturity. He is patiently and eagerly and passionately waiting for you to give Him the space to speak. He is super stoked to tell you how wonderful you are.

-Matty