Over the past month I have felt empty. As each day goes by, I feel like I am wasting away. It wasn’t until a few days ago that I had a big wake-up call. Amidst the business of my schedule, I finally stopped and had a moment of realization that I am just “surviving.” I took a step back to figure out what was going on and why I was living like this. There were a lot of parts that came into play.
I recently had my work schedule switched over to the night shift. This has been a very tough adjustment for my sleep schedule, as well as my social life. I spend most of my days awake in the middle of the night when everyone else is asleep. I also have noticed that I love to be apart of as much as I can, so saying no can be hard. My weeks are packed full and finding time to sleep has been tough. All these components have a part to play in why my life has felt so empty, but I knew there had to be a deeper cause to how I have been doing.
My wake-up call happened one night when I came across a new worship song that I found on YouTube. It’s as if my whole life stopped in that moment and I was able to relax for the first time and take a deep breath. I was met with the kindness, closeness, and comfort of Jesus. It was so refreshing and peaceful. I felt like I was downing an ice-cold glass of water on a dry summer day. It was in that moment that it hit me. “What have I been doing?”
I noticed how over the past month the things that truly matter in life had been slipping through the cracks. I couldn’t remember the last time I had spent time with the Lord in my closet. God has been placing things in my life since the start of the new year only for them to be put on the back burner. My priorities have been all mixed up. When push came to shove, I always ended up choosing what would make me feel good in the moment. I would end up playing video games late into the night, sitting in my living room scrolling through TikTok, or committing to way too many things on my days off. That night I was able to take a real clear look at the fruit that was coming from my actions. BLEH!
Laziness has crept into my life. My discipline to stay focused on where God is leading me has been shaken. My response to the Lord that night was this, “Help me!” I opened upto the Lord and shared with him my frustration and my shame that was weighing heavily on me.
“I should be better than this!”
“I can’t believe I just spent the past month running away from You and trying to make it on my own!”
“Why do I keep running to these things that always leave me empty and miserable!”
That evening the Lord, as He always does, met me with his kindness, closeness and comfort.
“God’s kindness leads you toward repentance.” – Romans 2:4
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted.” – Psalm 34:18
“Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.” – Matthew 5:4
These verses continue to hold true in my life. These promises from God never fail me. He meets me EVERY TIME! No matter how bad I mess up or how far I run away, He always welcomes me back with loving arms. Each time this happens I get yet another taste of the Lord’s goodness. I will never get tired of receiving a greater measure of His love for me.
These are the things that truly matter in my life. I want to be an expert in abiding. I want to be someone who remains close to the Lord at all times. I want to live a life of simple obedience to wherever He leads me. I want to trust Him in all circumstances knowing that He has the very best for me. I still feel like a complete beginner at all this. I need His help every minute of the day. I really can’t do this on my own.
What do I do from here? I honestly have no clue. My prayers at the moment have looked something like this,
“Lord, please help me! I can’t do this without You, and I don’t want to do this without you!”
He is the only one that can pull me out of the pit. He’s the one that is standing out on the road with a ring and robe and sandals for my feet when I come running back home. He is the one that sets my feet on solid ground. I don’t need to know what to do. All I need is Him. I am going to let Him have His way with me until the only thing that remains is Jesus. I am sick and tired of surviving. I am ready to let him pull me close and continue to transform me into the person He created me to be.